The Lies We Tell Ourselves: How to Face the Truth, Accept Yourself, and Create a Better Life by Jon Frederickson

Author:Jon Frederickson [Frederickson, Jon]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub, mobi
Publisher: Seven Leaves Press
Published: 2017-01-01T05:00:00+00:00

Devaluation

Another lie we tell is devaluation. One woman claimed I was useless, my comments were ridiculous, and the therapy was worthless. She devalued me, her close friends, and her family, alienating them and punishing herself with a lifetime of loneliness.

All of us will be devalued. It’s nothing personal about us; it’s something impersonal about the defenses devaluers use. It’s not the hydrant’s fault when the dog lifts his leg, nor is it our fault when people devalue us. People claim we have no value to avoid depending on the value we offer. Through devaluation they ward off the danger of depending upon others. Or people may deny our value to achieve an imaginary victory when they envy our genuine success. Unable to tolerate their envy, they devalue in us what they cannot find within themselves.9

When this woman claimed the therapy was useless, I asked, “Do you notice how you are devaluing me?”

“Are you saying I have to value you?”

“No. You can devalue me. It’s a free country. But as long as you devalue me, you will relate to a worthless therapist and end up with a worthless therapy.”

“This therapy is worthless.”

“I’m glad we are in agreement. As long as you devalue me, this therapy will be worthless.”

“I’m not getting anything out of this therapy.”

“Of course. If you devalue me, you won’t depend upon me, and you won’t get anything out of the therapy. You can keep devaluing me if that works for you, but the therapy will end in failure.”

“Why shouldn’t I devalue you?”

“I’m your therapist, not your toilet.”

“What if your therapy is worthless?”

“Is the therapy worthless or is your devaluation? You can devalue me. I can’t stop you, but then this will become another failed therapy in the graveyard of failed therapies, and we will have to hold the funeral for the life you could have had. Why sabotage your therapy? Why perpetuate your suffering?”

Whenever we invite anyone to form a close relationship with us, our invitation will stir up memories of past relationships. In this woman’s past, the ones she loved had hurt her. My offer of help stirred up mixed feelings: she wanted my actual care and feared my imagined cruelty.

Rather than risk being devalued as she was in the past, she devalued people in the present. She enacted her past: “Since you will abandon and devalue me if I depend on you, I will devalue you first.”

When people devalue us, we may feel angry, as they felt when others devalued them. If we do not recognize this anger, we may turn it on ourselves: “Maybe she’s right: I am not good enough.” Or, intimidated by her, we might submit to devaluation as the patient submitted to her mother: “Since she gets angry when I talk, maybe she will like me if I stay quiet.”

Sigmund Freud called the process of understanding and interpreting these dynamics “working through.”10 But recognizing the intense emotions that get stirred up in this process, the interpersonal analysts suggested we call it “living through.

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